Happy Sunday All,
You probably know that I write about the things I’ve learned on my journey and share with you because I hope that what I’ve learned will help you on your journey in some way.
What I choose to write about often comes instantly or there’s a theme that repeats itself in the conversations I have or overhear, or the information or articles I read.
As I went through my week one word kept re-appearing: ‘Commitment.’
It came up both a topic in my life but also in the conversations I have heard others having about their own. As I mused about the nature of the word and what it means it occurred to me that it’s a state we often say we’re prepared to enter into, but what does ‘Commitment’ really mean?
The dictionary defines Commitment as:
- A willingness to give your time and energy to something that you believe in or a promise or firm decision to do something OR
- Something that you must do or deal with that takes your time
When we commit to something or someone it means there is an expectation…
What you’re doing is making a promise, a promise to consistently and continuously spend energy. You’re saying that you believe in the project, or person or relationship and that you’re prepared to put in the time and the energy to see it through to the end; to realise the vision of the project, or relationship that you subscribed to.
How often though, do we commit in words and yet our actions fail to back them up?
Commitment & Love:
With anything we want, whether it’s something we’d like to create, achieve or do means that invariably we create a vision beforehand. Most of us have an idea or an outcome in mind. Yet, more often than not we say we’re committed whilst in the feelings that go with creating the vision.
What we’re actually committing to is the feelings we’re experiencing whilst in the vision/creation stage, or else we’re committing to the feelings we anticipate we’ll feel once we achieve our desired outcome.
It’s pretty obvious that so many of us ignore the fact that we’re happy to sit in the space of ‘Intention.’ The ‘feel-good’ stage, but are less ready for the ‘focus’ and ‘plan of action’ needed to follow through and make our ‘promises’ real?
Pledging a commitment is most identifiable in our society in the institution of marriage, yet our divorce statistics, show we are as likely to fail in this commitment as succeed, telling us clearly that even when we legalise and notarise our commitments and state them in front of those nearest and dearest to us, we are still not able to keep our commitments.
Why is this the case?
Someone dear to you, you agree you love each other…in fact, you’ve said it to each other many times, you accept you are ‘committed’ to one another.
They know your favourite fruit is Pineapple and so they tell you they’re going to get up early the next day, go to the market and buy you the freshest, juiciest pineapple they can find and bring it to you because you mean something to them. Your relationship is important to them, they’re committed to you and your happiness and so they want to see you have the things you like and deserve.
This very same person misses the first day. They wake up late and tell you not to worry they’ll go tomorrow. They’re just as enthusiastic, they intend to go, you mean so much to them and they really want to do this for you and show you how much they love you. You do know that they love you don’t you?
But the next day they sleep in too…and the next…and the next…and then they’ve got other things to do…other people to see…but they WILL do it, they just can’t right now.
But you know they love you… don’t you?
And so on
The Pineapple bringer:
They lack devotion to their promise, they’re unwilling to give time and energy to seeing their promise through, There’s a dis-connection between what they say they want and what they’re prepared to do to get it.
- They lack Authenticity
- Their commitment is simply ‘Lip service!’ without the focus and devotion to achieving the result.
The Pineapple receiver:
Despite wanting desperately to continue to believe in the Pineapple bringer and to take them at their word; after countless disappointments they have to admit they are committed…The Pineapple bringer is not.
They have no choice…
They lose faith…
They stop believing…
So which one are you?
What makes romantic love so wonderful is the intimacy it creates between you and your chosen partner. You feel valued, supported, accepted and embraced.
But Intimacy evokes a powerful mix of emotions. Intimacy brings you together, you feel empowered, you develop closeness and allow yourself to be vulnerable, but being vulnerable can mean you’re at the mercy of the whims, moods and opinions of the one you love.
Are you the Pineapple Giver
Whose dismissiveness (lack of time investment) i.e. rejection & inability to devote your time and energy to the promise you made creates deep-rooted hurt?
Do you criticise, become defensive or attack when your partner (nervously) reminds you of the promise you made, or do you retreat, emotionally withdraw or simply ‘check out,’ invalidating and rejecting your partner creating deep, painful wounds?
Or are you the Pineapple Receiver
Who decided in the beginning that you were prepared to find the time, energy & and devotion. That you will carry out the plan and achieve the outcome you both seemed to want. Whose consistent and persistent disappointment & rejection (no time investment, needs negated or dismissed – other things/people always come first), has made you so unhappy and so tired you can no longer be ‘patient.’ And you wonder if your patience is actually voluntary slavery in disguise.
Or are you enduring an unhappy state, not ready to give up just yet, your commitment blindly causing you to cling to something that’s dead out of a commitment now, not to the relationship, but to ‘how it looks’ or because you’re ‘used to it.’ And it’s less scary than what you see as the alternative or to ‘the children?’
Whatever state you’re in, whichever one you are…you know and deep down you know that nothing changes unless you make a choice.
- Choose to – Commit to the process of your relationship?
- Choose today, to commit to the promises you made when you uttered those three little words
- Imagine if we committed to working on and devoting ourselves to maintaining our levels of emotional intimacy as well as and learning what it is we had to do to support that process?
- Choose to – Prioritise your intimate relationship by actually valuing the relationship over the less important things that we use as an excuse to delay or allow to get in the way?
- Choose to – Make time to spend private time together, re-acquaint yourself with one another regularly
- Choose to – Listen to and support each others’ needs. Try not to reject when your partner needs/wants to talk to you, assuming the worst or that it will inevitably be a confrontational exchange. Sometimes all we need is for the person who means the most to us to just listen.
- Choose to – Change your thoughts instead of seeing the feelings and outcomes as the goal, remember it’s the devotion to the process that’s where the joy is found.
- Choose to – Change your life to one in which you focus on the quality of experience and the flow of life
- Choose to change if you know that your Joy is elsewhere. If it’s obvious that your commitment is futile as the ‘other’ has left the building… It is you and you alone who can free yourself to find it.
The next time you are on the verge of saying something to another person, your boss, yourself that means you’re making a promise or commitment remember what it is you’re doing…Remember that it means to ‘Give time,’ to ‘Give energy’ and make that promise only if you’re prepared to focus on the consistent action and devotion that your ‘promise’ will need to create your vision.
If you don’t want to do the work, then out of respect…
Leave well alone!
Blissings & Much Love