Happy Sunday all,
One of my greatest moments of sadness is when I stand in front of a class of children and through the conversation I realise they do not love themselves. Like rest of us in society they are already ‘lovesick.’ I say ‘lovesick.’ because they have caught the bug and it’s making them (and us) sick. It’s the thought that they’re not loveable, they’re not ‘good enough’ to be loved for who they/we truly are that is making us ill.
Our relationships and especially our love relationships are opportunities for us to decide who we are and choose who we want to be. If we assume (and I know this is true for me), we are here as creators, our relationships are a powerful vehicles which give us the chance to decide, as Neale Donald Walsche says:
“What part of yourself you’d like to see “show up,” not what part of another you can capture and hold.”
You did this…Oh yes you did!
In my experience of life and relationships I have learnt that our dealings with others are a space in which we have an opportunity to choose and to create ourselves in our own vision. However the reality for most of us is very different. The biggest challenge we face is accepting that ‘we,’ yes ‘we’ created our state of ‘lovesickness’ whatever situation we may mind ourselves in.
It’s not deliberate you understand and I for one am not exempt. Most of us look to find that ‘perfect one.’ The one that ‘completes’ us the ‘special one’ who makes us feel whole. This is the ideology that we feed into and which is re-inforced by the messages we receive every day.
Oh My gosh!
They just changed… they’re not the same anymore
How much pressure is that for our significant other? In not wanting to disappoint they/we try to be and do he things we know our partner says they ‘want’ and ‘need’ (both words which come from a place of ‘lack’ by the way!). We see our relationship as a place where we should be what we think the ‘other’ needs. We then spend so much time bending and shaping ourselves like a pretzel into our idea of what we think they want that we end up not knowing which way is up, who we are, or what we think we want to be.
Finally, we get to a point where we can no longer keep up the pretence. It wasn’t deliberate, you understand, but eventually there’s the realisation that who we’re being in this relationship is not the ‘me’ we choose to project, the ‘authentic’ being that is expressing in a way that is acceptable to our soul and so we have no choice but to show our ‘real’ selves.
Our significant ‘other’ then says ‘we’ve changed.’ and I guess what? We have because we are now reclaiming our true selves and acting authentically, finally listening to the whisperings of our soul.
Giving up…giving in
It can take a few of these experiences before we realise that we’re going about it all wrong. When this happens most of us either settle for our lowest expectation or nurse the idea that we are fine with nothing at all. We choose companionship, give up on our highest and grandest vision of ourselves, we settle. The energy and vibrancy of youthful expectation has now diminished, (in most cases disappeared) and our passion, sexual enthusiasm and expression are now merely dying embers. We’re somewhere between our late 30s and our 60s and we’re tired!
Relationships never really fail
This state of being lovesick causes the relationship to end and one or other, or both’s feelings turn to resentment and then comes the anger!
Relationships ‘fail’ only because we stepped into them for the wrong reasons, not because (as is commonly thought), that they didn’t produce what we thought we wanted. In the main, most of us are looking for what we can get out of a relationship when we enter into it, instead of thinking what can we ‘add to’ it.
The only reason to have relationships is to decide who you really are and to choose to express that self through your reactions, thoughts and deeds.
There is no need for A.N. Other to express who you are, however without that ‘other’ we are nothing as we have nothing against whose speech, actions and reactions we can choose to express.
Therein lies the paradox.
What most of us do however is create our dream according to the needs, thoughts and desires (or so we think) of or beloved other instead of the needs, thoughts and desires of our selves. And so we are not a state of love and loving, but of being ‘lovesick.’
We spend our time measuring how well the other lives up to our expectations and how well we live up to theirs, when really we should test our relationships according to how well we live up to our own ideas of ourselves!
Worry only about yourself and how much you can give.
It’s of no consequence what the other is doing, being, having, thinking, planning, saying…what matters is what you are being in relation to that
The most loving person is the most Self-centred.
If you cannot love yourself then you cannot love others. So let’s get well, stop falling into ‘lovesick’-ness, stop seeing ourselves through the love of another. These may sound like familiar thoughts:
‘If I can love them then they will love me;
If I can please others then they will like me;
If I am loving towards others they will think I am loveable.’
We feel there is no-one that loves us. As a result we experience the reverse; Our thoughts become ones of self-hate (lovesick) because:
The truth is you will never truly accept the love of another until you love yourself.
So, for this week (and the weeks to come) make your focus one of loving yourself. Speak gently to yourself, forgive yourself, accept who you are remember we’re simply learning lessons and being given opportunities to decide who and what we choose to be.
We’re her to experience who and what we really are. Who you are is who you choose to show yourself as according to the influence of everything that you experience.
So choose wisely…